apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
