Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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