ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize