had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
