saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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