Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
