everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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