I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
