I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Randomize
