I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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