you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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