I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
