So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
