I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
