you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
