i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
