speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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