i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hippo gnu deer
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize