Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
