apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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