we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Did I show you my penis last night?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
