i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
