Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
