i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
