i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
