I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
