She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
