i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I puked a lego.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
