Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
