Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
