There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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