I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
