Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize