No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
