Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
