and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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