no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
