they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
