Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
