I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
