either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
