So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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