I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
