im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
