First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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