dude i'm inner monologue high
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
