I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
