miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
did you just send me my own nude
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
