I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
