the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
