I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
