i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
