Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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