so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
