Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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