I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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