How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
