I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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