he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
