She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
