I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
