Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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