Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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